Instead of The Asian Way, maybe this should have been Diary of a Madman !

Well, today you will probably get a lot of incoherent ramblings of  a cracker in a non-cracker world. I just happen to be in one of those "special" moods where I feel like kickin' someones ass. Alas ! I still have a shred of common sense though and would rather not spend any time in a foreign country.

Yesterday, is what set me off. As I was walking home, I crossed the street, in the crosswalk with the green walk signal. A car pulls up and starts edging into the crosswalk so he could go through the redlight. Right when I'm in front of his car, he pulls forward even more and almost hits me ! So I stop and say say WTF DUDE !  As I'm standing there ( still red light for him) he starts to blare his horn !!  So now I slightly lose it and kinda put my fist into his hood. Yes it left a dent. HAHA ! He grabs his cell phone, I continue across the street, he goes through the red light and then pulls over. I walk to the bus stop, kinda pumping my fist cuz it hurts like hell actually, and the police show up. Yeah, oh shit. He comes walking towards me with the police and ranting something in Korean. I see him motioning a fist up and down and I know he is referring to what I did. They get to me and the two cops take turns asking me questions in Korean. I give them the stupid face. So next thing I know is that there is a large group of Koreans around and I'm playing a game of charades with the cops. Then my bus pulls up. I point at the bus and say "bye-bye." and just walk away and get on the bus. That's that. They didn't try to stop me or anything. I was pissed at the time, and I still am, But I can see the funnier side of the whole thing now. Morons.

So to continue on rants..Their gayitude knows no bounds. Don't get me wrong. Korea is VERY in the closet. About 95% of any gay is disowned and considered dead by their family. So they do all the gay stuff still, They just don't admit to it. Monday at the beginning of class, a bunch of students are going back and forth about something. Seems a wrestling match they had during break time turned a bit personal. So my Korean co-teacher has them demonstrate what happened in the front of the classroom. One of the boys lays down on his back and the other gets on top of him and pins his arms down with his knees. I'm thinking  "ok, so what ?" Then the student say "no, no he did more!" When pressed about it, the student on top finally gives in and shows what he was doing. While he pinned the one boy to the ground, he then proceed to give the boy on his back a "reach-around ! " YEP ! Not hitting, not slapping, but stroking the other kids dick ! And in class, he didn't just mime it, he did it AGAIN ! I was like Oh my God. The co-teacher just starts to laugh, then he tells them to go sit back down. Dude, what was the point in having them do that again ???

It was pointed out to me by my friend Bill, that living over here must be "hysterical." I would say it is a far cry from that. I would never,EVER, recommend that someone takes a vacation to Seoul or Korea. It is an overcrowded, very ugly country. Everything looks the same here. All schools in the country are the same. They are required to be. They have to look like the Korean Army barracks. I have know idea why, but it makes for an assload of ugly schools. Korea has no room to expand outwards, so all they can do is build upwards. This is making for a very ugly skyline....or no skyline. Many Koreans don't even want Americans here. And other Asians that come here are only tolerated because they do the crap jobs for cheap. Kinda like America and the Illegal Mexicans. You don't really want them there, but who else is going to do the job ?
Korea is all about conformity, not individualism. All buildings are made of cement and basically painted the same drab color.

And another thing with addressing a person..If she is young, say 28 and under, you call her agashi - young girl, Ajumma- old woman, Ajoshi- uncle. These are all names you call strangers. On the bus, people call to the driver " Ajoshi !"  I find a simple YO DUDE ! works also. "Hey baby" also works on all the women. But then again I could say " Hey you old slutty, no fashion sense,ugly, dog eating bitch" and that would work also. These are the times that it really pays off with them not knowing English !
So back to Bill saying it must be hysterical.....Well actually it depends on the type of personality you have. I do enjoy all the irony surrounding me as well as the absurdity of everything. Once I make it home each night, it does become very funny. Not to mention my writing style tends to lend itself towards the humorous.

Well, sleep on that all.
Cya

Easy reading....like a Playboy, lots of pics

Well, right now I am too tired to properly write out a blog. So I'm going to post some pics of things that continue to boggle the old noggin  here in Korea..Oh and a few from Thailand.

It's a progressively spicier menu



Is it any real wonder why I can't figure out what to eat here ?





 

 

Doesn't really make me feel that thirsty !





Please don't feed the Korean machinery !



Not only is it clean, it's BLUE !



I know you women relate to this one.and apparently so does the University





This is in Thailand, trust me, pay the extra for the VIP Room !



OK This is on a ton of cars here...I have know idea what the hell they are talking about...But then again, neither do they





So, having a little problem are we ?

So there you have it. Just a touch of what is out there. This doesn't include all the shirts I see EVERYDAY ! They have no clue what they say. They just like the color.



Go ahead and toot your horn

Now growing up in Smallville USA, the most I really heard a horn used was from a car alarm. On occasion you would have the angry driver or two blare the horn, but for the most part, the horn was for "emergency" situations i.e. children running out in front of you, a car changing lanes that doesn't see you and so on.

That being said, in Asia, the horn takes on a whole new life. If it's not a car honking at you , then it's a bus, if not that, then it's a motorcycle, if not that, then it's the dickhead on his bicycle ringing his bell at you. You can't escape the dreaded horn here.

Different countries however, use their horns for different reasons. Thailand, I have noticed, uses their horns primarily for defense. For Korea it's a strictly offensive tool. Allow me to please start with Korea since it is the most offensive. I ride the bus to and from work everyday. It is about a 10-15 minute ride. On an average day, during that short time span, you can count on the driver using his horn no less than 10 times. This is not because of all the idiot drivers around him, he uses it to scream at other drivers " Get the hell outta my way, I'm coming through !" If he feels a car is going to slow....horn, if he feels a car has not pulled enough to the left so he can illegally pass on the right....horn. If you do not start to take off from a red light BEFORE it turns green...horn....Seriously, you can be waiting for the light to turn green and 4 or 5 drivers will start honking at you because they see no traffic coming the other direction and you are not moving yet. When I take a taxi, they have one eye on the road, one eye watching their Korean soap opera on TV, one hand steering and the other resting on their horn. They are almost caressing their precious horn like it's a new found girlfriend. Another unusual habit that I have seen EVERY Korean driver do. When then stop at a red light, the car gets put into park and the Emergency brake goes on ????? They say they are saving gas that way, but by the way they actually drive, they aren't saving shit ! And anyone else who has been here has also experienced this other annoyance....Many of the older drivers..taxis, buses, private cars etc...They all push their gas pedal up and down. Say you're driving down a road with no other traffic. Your driver will be quickly "revving " his engine by tapping the gas pedal up and down. You are actually rocking back and forth when they do this.

Now Thailand....just the opposite. The horn is used a lot also, but mostly in a defensive manner. That is to say, you are approaching an intersection that you have no intention of stopping at...So you pre-emptively honk your horn in the hope that others will slow down so that you can blaze through. Unfortunately this doesn't work very often. There are tons of motorcycles there. They all have those little " beep-beep" horns. When I am driving in my truck, with the air-con blowing and my DVD blasting out some Kiss tunes...I don't hear a damn thing. I am surprised actually that I haven't killed anything aside from a cobra lazily crossing the highway. Overall, I think Thailand is a much more relaxed place to drive....Not that I would ever drive in Bangkok ! Crazy bad traffic there.  Last time we came from the airport, it took about 20 minutes to get downtown and then about 5 blocks from our hotel.... it took another 45 minutes to travel that last 5 blocks. Of course we could have walked it much faster, but we had 4 suitcases and it was pouring rain.

Then you have Hong Kong. OK, I don't know what the hell is going on there ! It is such a mix of offensive and defensive honking, that I think everyone has just tuned out the horns. You know, kinda like when the wife is talking and you are just hearing blah,blah,blah..and answer with the occasional head nod and uh-huh. Ooh, maybe that explains why I have been married 3 times also ! And totally off the subject of horns...that reminds me of why I love having a Thai wife so much ! You don't have to really listen to them..just when they pause, you say " uhh." That is a legitimate Thai answer. I can watch my TV show and just say "uhh" a couple of times and I am good to go. Of course, being American, when I talk to her and she says that to me, I will ask if she is even listening to me, at which point she prattles off whatever I just said. When she does happen to catch me and ask me what she said..I go into a deep thought "looking" mode and say " Mai Khoa Jai " Thai for I don't understand...and I chalk it up to the language barrier. I know that is only going to get me so far as she is picking up more slang from me and I am learning  more Thai. Just the other day she told me to shut my pie hole ! I was rolling on the ground laughing. She heard it from one of my movies.
Ahhh, life can be good sometimes !

In the immortal words of Peter Griffin " you know what really grinds my gears "

Well, I'm in a kinda pissy mood. No real reason, just woke up that way.....I'm sure you women can relate, at least my 2nd wife could. So let's run down the list for the things that set this in motion.

First, while watching UFC 121 this weekend. Now let me tell you, I am not a racist, however, just because I am white, automatically makes me one. As I was saying, UFC 121, Cain Velasquez vs. Brock Lesnar. Cain is from Mexico and has a big tattoo across his chest that says "Brown Pride." Anything wrong with that ? Well I didn't think so at first, but then as I looked at Brocks big tattoos, it got me thinking...."Danger Will Robinson, Danger ! " If Brock had the same tattoo but it said "White Pride," How would that be perceived ? Yep you guessed it, everyone would say he was a skin head racist bastard. If I had the same tattoo, everyone would say the same. Why is it OK though for a Mexican to have Brown Pride, or an African to have Black Pride ? But put White Pride on a Caucasian and all hell breaks loose.

For those of you who haven't seen the movie Clerks II, I highly recommend it for this particular reason. One character named Randall, decides that "porch monkey" isn't a derogatory racial slur and he is going to "take it back." It is actually quite hilarious.  Now, I am not going to go get a white pride tattoo done. Nor do I believe that whites are a superior race...Shit just take one look at my brother and you can easily realize that ! I am all for diversity, for cryin' in the sink, I am married to someone of which English is a second language !

Well all of this got me thinking more and more about Korean pride, their xenophobia and their racism. I even went so far as to dig up actual facts on this one ! Koreans truly pride themselves on being a "true-blood race." No idea why they love Harry Potter, he's white and a half-blood !  Ha ha. South Korea is 99% pure blood. In many news articles though, there is an alarming rate of mix-blood marriages happening. Mostly this is the rural farmers and fisherman who purchase brides from China,Vietnam, Cambodia etc. The resulting mixed race children has become concerning here. Of these children, 35% drop out of elementary school ! Yes elementary school ! In large part do to the racism, and bulling by other children, with the teachers not doing a thing.

Then a funny thing happened a few years back. Wide Receiver Hines Ward of the Pittsburgh Steelers, won the Superbowl MVP. Turns out that Hines is half Black and half Korean. When he was just a child, his mother was ostracized by everyone she knew for having a black child. Eventually she was forced to move to the US to try to give Hines a decent life. Well after he won the MVP, Koreans suddenly loved him and he became a national hero. While some welcome the diversity....There are many more that do not. Some legislation was passed and" mixed-blood people" was changed to "people of international marriages"  North Korea said, "South Korea is denying its national race and its 5,000-year history by professing to be a multiracial nation. Such moves will Americanize Korea, ruin its past history and weaken the power to combat dominative U.S. forces."

Gimme a frigging break man !

OK, Next on the list. In a country where approximately 95% of all Koreans were some type of corrective lenses. It is now popular to wear glass frames without the actual glasses ! They wear contacts, but "fashion eyeglass frames" to look cool....I'm gonna bitch slap those right off your face.

Mosquitoes, I remember back home, I mosquito bite isn't that bad, a little itchy for a few days and done. Korean mosquitoes.....When you get bit by them, they leave a hard knot as well as the itch ! I mean it feel like a BB is under your skin kinda hard ! And it itches forever !. Thailand Mosquitoes..no knot, but a bazillion of them there, and you are much more likely to catch Malaria, or Dengue fever there.

Another thing that is common in all of Asia, PICKING YOUR NOSE !  Now when  was the last time you were talking face to face with an adult and they all of sudden jam a finger up their nose and start rooting for gold ? Well I see this almost everyday. Talking to a pretty girl, blah blah blah and then there it is ! finger up the nose ! Then they take it out and inspect it like it might be some alien worm probe from Star Trek ! Yes, even the wife used to do this, and I emphasize used to ! We broke that habit lol.
Coughing and sneezing without covering your mouth is common also. And there are no "bless you's" here. Bless you is not an American thing either, many,many countries say something when you sneeze. Not over here.

Hurry up and wait...I used to think that this was strictly from my military life ! It is an Asian lifestyle. While I see plenty of it her in Korea, Hong Kong was the worst ! My god, just changing subways, people get off one train, push and shove and literally run of to the next platform where the train won't be arriving for another 5 minutes still. Train arrives and it's like the Roman Colosseum. Mortal combat as people try to get off the train and onto the train at the same time !

So to sum up: I am not racist. I hate mosquitoes. Don't pick your nose during a conversation and slow down and enjoy life.

Thailand.....Life in the village

I find it funny that my wife often ask about the village that I came from. I don't think we've had "villages" in the US for over 100 years. Even though Grants Pass Oregon only had around 13-14k people when I was growing up there, it was still a city or town.



Typical dirt road village



Now when I am at home in Chumphae Thailand ( the NE) we truly live in a village. There are about 700 people who live there and everyone knows everyone and everyone knows everyone else's business. Thai's aren't much in the way of keeping secrets. I know where each foreigner lives or has lived, how they met their partner, why they no longer live there etc. I even know that lady is the sister of the woman who was best friends of the woman who married that German guy. Huh ? Gossip is next to gold in Thailand. 

 Acceptance
Keep in mind that no two villages are alike. They all have their own sub cultures and rituals.
 I was once a visitor now I am a resident and treated as a village person. No more red carpet and no more allowances for western behavior, however I do get a few special perks from time to time.
Does that  mean I am accepted as a Thai ? Not even close ! Even if you have lived here 20 years, have Thai children, speak Thai and speak Lao you will always be a farang outsider.Oh yeah, They speak a mixed dialect of Thai and Lao here. So the majority of the language I have learned is not "true" Thai. You might consider Castillian Spanish and Mexican Spanish, or English from the US, England and Australia....Basics are the same, and you understand one another.There are just a few words here and there that throw you.


Isaan village food and drink
If it moves or grows they eat it. They eat very healthy food and always little and often. The children are beginning to lean towards fatty food and all have a sweet tooth. Western influence again.
All manner of meat (cow, buffalo, pig, duck, chicken, rat, snake, frog, dog, turtle, ants, lizards,  DON’T anyone tell me they do not eat dogs in Thailand. They do
All manner of vegetables and greens growing in the wild and leaves from numerous trees plus fruits

All manner of spices and herbs
Sticky rice and sticky rice and sticky rice
Their diet is superb and would almost fit into many alternative medicine theories. Meat in small portions, vegetables in abundance and of course copious amounts of sticky rice. Always followed by fruit.
Most of their food is boiled or steamed with occasional barbecuing. Sometime though the meat is raw and that takes some stomaching. I have been given raw heart, liver and intestines and it is supposed to be an aphrodisiac, after taking some "miniture" bites, unfortunately it did just the opposite to my sex drive ! Most women will not eat beef and turtle. In fact for a woman to watch a turtle cook will make her barren. Many old wives tales but I will cover that later.
Drink. Well as a rule most of the village drink water, Leo and soft drinks BUT many take the killer. The two most common causes of death here are motorbikes (no helmets of course) and drinking the killer. What’s the Killer?. In mild form it is bottled Isaan whiskey. In village brewing form it is a pot of fermenting rice which turns it into pure alcohol. This is washed down with Red Bull and honey.

Finally for this segment...lol

Village events and celebrations


To celebrate the New Year  and wishes for
 plenty of rain in the upcoming season

Celebrations are very important to the Thai villager. Time to let their hair down, get drunk and party. SongKran (Google it ) here lasts 7 days and nights. Local events are too numerous to mention. All involve a parade around the village with monks at the head and copious amounts of booze consumed. At one event I was in the crowd taking pics and the parade stopped. I was ushered over to the monk’s pickup and told to mount and sit with the monks, headman and police. Duly installed I ended up surrounded by junior monks who spoke English and wanted to learn. They, including the top monk smoked my cigarettes and I ended up throwing sweets to the kids. Monks in the villages are different to those in towns and cities At SongKran, I was told it was permissible for me to throw water on a monk. "Are you sure?" Yes! The head monk approached so I proceeded to douse a whole bucket of water over his head. The crowd were in hysterics the wife was fuming. I was the told it should have been a trickle down the left shoulder. Oops, my bad there ! So the next thing is an immediate high wai to the monk and said I was sorry. He was smiling at me came over put his hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear “don’t worry, you are still learning my farang brother. Here is my mobile number but don’t tell anybody I speak English”

Cracked me up...wife still doesn't believe me to this day that is what he said !  LOL

Korea : Work hard, Play hard

Well, first off, I rag on Korea a lot, but let me give them some props. Public Transportation. Planes, trains, taxi's and subways. Korea does have a very good transportation system that is also pretty cheap. Of course I still have a few gripes about the system....1st is the lack of English ( although that is changing.) Many places only have signs in Korean and no one speaks English , or will admit that they do. As I mention previously, the Tourist Information booth that only spoke Korean. The 2nd problem is that so many cities have names that sound so similar, that if you don't say it just right, there is no telling where you will wind up. Jincheon, Incheon,Jaecheon and so on. I may have related before about the taxi drivers also...but if you can't say it exactly, they don't know where to go, if you say "E-Mart" they don't understand...you have to say it in Konglish (Korean-English together) and say E-Mart-uh..then they understand. Another big issue is that most places don't have street names. You can't say, "take me to 33rd and Washington." To get somewhere, you have to tell them a popular landmark and then direct them from there. For example I will tell them " Sinpo-dong...Post office" and when they get there, I direct them for another 2 blocks to my condo.
The Internet is another big shout out for Korea. I think it is the most up to date and wired country in the world. Work nice for me !

Now onto the main topic. This country works very hard, and they like to play even harder !!!!! This is actually ingrained into them starting in preschool....They will take their class in preschool, and then after that many of them attend extra classes after school at a Hagwon ( private academy) There they will take music, science,English, math etc. As they get older they spend more time in school and still keep up the Hagwons. By high school, they start around 8:30am until around 5pm, at which time the get a 1 or 2 hour break for dinner. Then they come back and continue until around 10 or 11pm. Still not enough yet, they will then go to another Hagwon for another 1 or 2 hours. Then they go home around midnight or so....do any homework or studying, play a bit and get up and do it again the next morning.
They also attend school every other  Saturday. When I first started here, it was every Saturday !
They then go to college and pretty much stay on the same track. They are smart people, but they are also raising a nation of social retards. They don't know how to interact with others and aren't very outgoing.
By the time they reach the workforce, not much has changed. Working 6 days a week, 10 hours a day. Last night some of my co-teachers were here at the school until 11pm to prepare for an evaluation...I was friggin pissed cuz they made me stay 10 minutes late !

Now one of their favorite pastimes is to work a long day, then go to dinner with co-workers and eat an assload of food and get totally shit-faced. Then they go to a Noraebang (Karaoke room) drink more,puke a few times and go home around 2 or 3 am.....on a Monday or Tuesday !  LOL I have had teachers come to work still hammered from the night before. This is something some of them do 2-4 times a week !
Another nice custom is that if you are invited to do something, the person who did the inviting is expected to pay. Also in Korea you do not tip. I have actually tried to tip before and had them refuse it !
OK, more on the Korean nightlife to be continued...I actually have to go teach one class today ! The class that is being evaluated by the Board of Education, that I took about 10 minutes to throw together :)

OK, the exciting subject of Toilets !

Yeah, I know, Toilets ? Why do we want to read about toilets ? Well over here, toilets are quite different from western styles. While most newer building have incorporated the western style of toilet, the most common is still the "squatter." HUH ? Squatter ? WTF is that ? Easier than explaining is showing.

Just as it sounds, you squat, not sit on it. Now this poses a problem for westerners such as myself. To squat straight down, flat footed, with only the walls to give you some sense of balance.. Also, flushing with toilet paper is highly discouraged, so there is usually a wastebasket full of , yup, you know it, well used TP. Therefore many bathrooms aren't the "freshest" smelling places. Now just the difficulty of trying to use this when you are sober is hard enough. When you are toasted and spinning around, it is damn near impossible to do.

This picture finely demonstrates the art of squatting !

Note that it is a normal toilet, yet they make special platforms so you can still squat. Maybe it's more hygienic. Your ass isn't touching a seat someone Else's ass has touched ! Either way, I have become like the Shit-brick in American Pie. No matter the discomfort, it's gotta wait til I get home !

Now squatters are the most common toilets not only in Korea, but in most of Asia. Whether you are going to China, Japan, Thailand or so on, be prepared to use these.

Now in Thailand, they use the same kind of squatters, however, most do not have a flushing system. You pour in water and let gravity take care of the rest.

In this picture, you can hold onto the water faucet and the ashtray for balance. Yeah, appealing thought there huh ! In my house in Thailand, upstairs off the master bedroom, I have a normal bathroom with a normal toilet and a bathtub. Downstairs though the main bathroom is a squatter. This is what most Thais in the country are the most comfortable using.

Now, in Thailand, whether you are right handed or left handed doesn't matter. Whenever you eat, you always use your right hand to eat with. The left hand is considered "unclean." Usually you will find no TP in these bathrooms. After you have assumed your best Kung Fu master stance and taken care of business, you actually use your bare left hand to wipe with. God's honest truth. Then you clean it as best you can under the faucet. So if you see someone chowing down with their left hand, DON'T EAT THAT FOOD !  This is why I always carry TP with me anywhere I go. It's stashed in my truck and under the seat of my motorcycle too.

The upside for men in Korea, is that you are pretty much free to urinate where ever you please in public. I see it ALL the time. The cops even walk past and don't say anything. So whether it's legal or they're just apathetic I don't know.

One other thing about public bathrooms in Asia, they are VERY public. Many being uni-sex. One time standing at a urinal here in Korea, This little hottie comes in behind me, and goes into the stall next to me...At first I am thinking, "Cool, Korean, sexy and not too shy !" Then she cuts loose like she has been on a steady diet of kimchi and Mexican water and Montezuma is a very pissed man. So I forgot all about her and was trying to finish as fast as I possible. The sound was grossing me out big time......Then the small hit, Jesus, Joseph and Mary ! I ended up getting out with a minor wet spot on the front of my jeans, from missing out on the proper amount of shakes.

Also, you will often be standing there and the cleaning woman will come in and start cleaning away. Sometimes she will even start talking with you !  And you know you've been here too long when you start talking back to her. I have one last pic to share with you. My favorite.